- If you feel as though you and your partner are sexually incompatible, there are some things you can do.
- Consider seeing a therapist or, specifically, a sex therapist, to determine the underlying reasons you and your partner aren’t enjoying sex together.
- The most important thing you can do is communicate your expectations and desires with your partner.
Having a satisfactory sex life is often assumed to be had by everyone in relationships. Unfortunately, though, this is not always the case.
In fact, a New York Times article revealed that 15% of married couples are in a sexless relationship . And, if you’re not familiar, the term « sexless relationship » consists of couples who have not had sex more than 10 times in one year, no sex in the last six months, or no sex in the last year. Unrecognized or disregarded sexual incompatibility is often a cause for this.
See a mental health professional.
Not all issues with sex are caused by physical limits. For some, mental or emotional blocks can be the cause, too. Psychotherapist Dr. Kathryn Smerling told INSIDER that you should consider seeing a mental health professional if this happens to be an issue in your relationship.
« There are all kinds of reasons that people are sexually incompatible, » she said. « If that is consistent for you, I’d suggest finding a mental health professional because it’s most likely not a physical problem, but an emotional issue that needs to be addressed. Very often, sexual incompatibility is due to one person withholding from another person; so explore that dynamic as well. »
Try visiting a sex shop.
Sex toys aren’t just meant for nights when you’re alone. Though pretty taboo in the past, many couples are taking more trips to sex shops to help spice up their time in the bedroom.
« Visiting a sex shop can help you find new ways to make sex exciting, » Smerling confirmed. « This helps with opening up the possibilities and opening up a dialogue. »
Don’t think about sex.
Not thinking about sex can be difficult when that’s the issue between you and your loved one, but according to Smerling, this could be a way to truly help the problem.
« Do something counterintuitive, » she said. « Cuddle, hold hands, touch each other – but refrain from actual intercourse. See if that takes the pressure off. »
See a sex therapist.
Although Smerling suggested seeing a mental health professional to discover the underlying emotional or psychological issues dealing with your sexual performance, Heather Ebert – dating and relationship expert at WhatsYourPrice – told INSIDER that you shouldn’t count out seeing a sex therapist, too.
« The idea that we should work out our problems without help is slowly being deconstructed in society, » said Ebert. « Seeing a marriage counselor is becoming more and more acceptable and so should seeing a sex therapist. They can help you talk about sex and get to the root of the problem. »
Watch porn together.
According to a survey released by Pornhub in 2017, over 22 million users are registered to the site and – as of that year – there were 75 million daily visits. And, if you thought that watching porn was something that only single people did, Ebert said that watching it with your partner could not only change your perception but your interaction, too.
« Need help getting in the mood or need some tricks to get started? Porn can definitely help, » she said. « I’m sure both you and your significant other have watched porn separately, so why not do it together? It could be fun and help ignite a fiery spark between you. »
Consider an open relationship.
« Physical intimacy is very important in a relationship and the lack thereof typically results in couples straying away from one another, » Ebert told INSIDER. « If you have tried to spice things up in the bedroom to no avail, maybe you should consider seeing other people. Open relationships are difficult, but they do work for many couples. The great thing about being in an open relationship is that you get to set the terms and it’s an arrangement that can evolve over time to fit your needs. »
Simply call it quits.
Breaking up with your partner may not want to be your first option when there’s an issue, but if you find yourself being unsatisfied with your sex life, that may be the only thing to solve it.
« You might love your partner and can’t imagine living without them but, if your sex life isn’t so special, you might want to reconsider being together, » said Ebert. « It’s almost taboo to place so much emphasis on sex, but it’s an important aspect of a relationship – one that can either make it really fun or really boring. If you and your partner can’t work out your sexual incompatibility, it might be time to move on. »
Talk to one another about your fantasies.
When it comes to fulfilling sexual desires, many people rarely have the conversation with their partners about what that truly consists of. According to spiritual advisor and life coach, Eliyahu Jian revealing these things to your significant other before sex is important to determining your level of sexual compatibility.
« I recommend before sex to always communicate with each other, » Jian said. « Find out what the person’s dreams and wishes are if there is role-playing involved, and what fun things they like. This is all from the giver’s point of view. From the receiver’s point of view, you explain what you are expecting and what you want. »
Stephanie Alys, chief pleasure officer at MysteryVibe agreed that communicating fantasies is important. She told Greatist, « Talk about your fantasies, desires, what feels good, what you’d like more of. »
Communicate your issues.
It may sound like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how many couples neglect to communicate their issues when it comes to sex. Jian told INSIDER, however, that this should be one of your first moves when you notice the sexual incompatibility.
« The only way you can know if there is a way to correct the incompatibility is if you are capable to speak to each other about what’s missing without anyone becoming insulted, » he said. « If the person you try to talk to becomes super defensive and you do the same, it means that there is something spiritually, mentally or psychologically wrong. When a person has no self-esteem, love and sex will not work. When a person feels comfortable with who they are, they can talk to others. If you’re not able to communicate successfully, you can see a sex therapist, a hypnotherapist or a spiritual advisor to work on fixing your sexual relationship. »
Elle Chase , author of » Curvy Girl Sex » and Director of Education at the Los Angeles Academy of Sex Education agreed.
« Great sex is all about good communication, » Chase previously told INSIDER. « Don’t hesitate to tell your partner when they’re doing something you really like. »